Scene I. In a barren field.
Thunder and Lighting. Enter two witches, Danny and Arin.
Danny. When do you want to meet up again? Do you think it’ll rain?
Arin. We’ll meet up after the battle. Bring an umbrella.
Arin. Same place. Markbeth will meet us here.
Danny. Good. Let’s get going, I can hear Graymalkin calling me.
Enter a small tabby cat.
Danny. There you are! Hello, my sweet kitty!
Arin. I still can’t believe you named your cat Graymalkin.
Danny. You’re one to talk! You named your familiar Paddock!
Arin. I…shut up, you!
As they begin to exit, Danny begins to sing.
Danny. Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air…
Arin. Is that some hipster BS you found on Soundcloud?
Scene II. A soldiers’ camp.
Enter PewDuncanPie and Bob, meeting an injured soldier with a bandage over his eyes
PewDuncanPie. Ermergerd! Are you okay?
Soldier. It’s just a flesh wound.
Bob. Dad, this is the guy who saved my life. I don’t know how to possibly thank him!
Soldier. We’ve all fought long and hard against the invading Trolls, but no one fought as hard as Markbeth. He took out, like, six guys with one swing of his sword!
Bob. No way! You’re exaggerating!
Soldier. No, seriously! I saw it with my own two eyes!
PewDuncanPie. Yeah, so, um, let’s get you to a doctor.
The soldier is carried out and CaptainSparklez enters
CaptainSparklez. Dad! Bob! I have awful news!
Bob. Oh my God, is she pregnant for real this time?!
CaptainSparklez. No, you jerk! It’s Falconlover- he’s joined the Trolls!
Bob. Wow…that actually doesn’t surprise me in the least bit.
PewDuncanPie. That traitor! He doesn’t deserve to be a Lord anymore! Sparklez- do you know where Markbeth is right now?
Captainsparklez. He should be walking home with Wadequo right now.
PewDuncanPie. Good! Send a messenger to him- I want him to take Falconlover’s place as the Lord of Goat Simulator!
Scene III. A deserted field.
Thunder. Enter Danny and Arin.
Danny. Where the heck have you been?!
Arin. Trying to find something to eat for lunch. There was a mean old lady who wouldn’t share her cupcakes with me, so I cursed her!
Danny. Ooh! How?
Arin. I used my powers of divination to determine that her husband has been at sea for many months, so I made it so that his ship would never return again!
Danny. What, you just killed her husband? Yawn.
Arin. No, no! He’s still alive, but they will never see each other again!
Danny. Ha! That’s what you get for not sharing your cupcakes with the GameGrumps!
They fist bump.
Arin. Ooh! I see Markbeth!
Enter Markbeth and Wadequo.
Markbeth. I’ve never seen a day as both fair and foul as this, my friend!
Wadequo. How far is it to the nearest town, Mark? These hideously ugly dudes are creeping me out- that is, assuming they’re even dudes!
Arin. Hey, you’re not exactly a stud yourself, pal!
Danny elbows him in the ribs.
Both. All hail the Lord of Octodad! All hail the Lord of Goat Simulator! All hail the King of YouTube!
Markbeth. Wait, what?
Danny. The supernatural forces of nature have prophesied, my lord! They have told us that the good Markbeth shall inherit the title of Lord of Goat Simulator, and eventually the King of YouTube!
Markbeth. This is madness! There’s already a Lord of-
Wadequo. Ooh! Ooh! Did the dark forces say anything about me?
Arin. Sorry, bruh. They just said a bunch of weird vague stuff about you, like how you’ll be happy and sad at the same time and how your descendants will be kings but you never will.
Wadequo. What the heck is that supposed to mean?
Markbeth. My thoughts exactly. How am I supposed to be king when PewDuncanPie occupies the throne?
Wadequo. And while we’re at it, aren’t witches supposed to come in threes?
Danny and Arin. DO NOT BRING UP JONTRON!
Markbeth. Thanks a lot, Wade, you made them mad!
Ken. My Lord, I come bearing great news!
Wadequo. Is Sparklez gonna be a dad?
Ken. No! Why does everybody think that? Falconlover was caught helping the Trolls, so he’s been stripped of his title. Congratulations, Markbeth, you are now the Lord of Goat Simulator!
Markbeth. (dumbfounded) But…I…I’m already the Lord of Octodad!
Ken. Well, then today’s your lucky day!
Wadequo. (aside to Markbeth) Ooh! Too spoopy!
Markbeth. (aside to Wadequo, grabbing him by the shirt collar) If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you’re dead!
Scene IV. At PewDuncanPie’s castle.
Enter PewDuncanPie, Bob, and CaptainSparklez.
PewDuncanPie. Is Falconlover being executed yet? I’m bored.
Bob. No, dad, he has a right to a fair trial.
PewDuncanPie. But I’m boooooored!
Enter Markbeth, Wadequo, and CinnamonToastKen.
Heyyy! How’s it going, bros?
Markbeth. (bows) I am honored to inherit the title of Lord of Goat Simulator, your highness. I will continue to serve you as your loyal subject.
PewDuncanPie. Aw, thanks! You totally deserve it! And you, Wadequo…
Wadequo. Ooh! What?
PewDuncanPie. You totally deserve to keep being my good friend!
Wadequo. Oh. Thanks. (screaming internally)
Markbeth. If you don’t mind, I’d like to go home and tell my wife all about this.
PewDuncanPie. No problem bruh!
Markbeth. (aside) I forgot about that Bob guy. If I’m going to be king, I’m gonna have to get him out of the way, too…
Scene V. Markbeth’s castle.
Enter Lady MacCry, reading a text message
Lady MacCry. “Hey bae. Had a great day on the battlefield, but something really weird happened. Me and Wadequo were walking home when we saw…actually, let me just give you good-news-bad-news. The good news: Falconlover betrayed the king so I’m now the Lord of Goat Simulator, and there’s a little chance that I kinda sorta might be king someday. The bad news: these two witches we met in a field predicted all this to us, and the king is going to have to die somehow. But yeah, I’ll talk to you when I get home. Ttyl.”
(laughs manically) My idiot husband has no idea of the total goldmine he’s stumbled upon! Us? As king and queen? Marvelous! Course, there is that little matter of the king’s death… PewDuncanPie will have to be killed if he’s going to die anytime soon! There is the possibility of… oh, who am I kidding? Mark doesn’t have the balls to commit murder! I mean, he did kill all of those Trolls, but…come on, this is just wrong … (phone buzzes, she reads a new text) “Hey, I almost forgot- the king and some of my friends are coming over to stay the night. Can you make the guest beds and wash the dog for me? Thx bae.” (puts phone away, smiles and laughs) Oh, screw right and wrong! We’re totally doing this! TONIGHT!
Markbeth. We’re doing what tonight?
Lady MacCry. Mark! Congratulations! I’m so happy for us- er, you!
Markbeth. Thanks! Did you get my text?
Lady MacCry. Yeah. How long is PewDuncanPie staying here?
Markbeth. I think he’s leaving in the morning. Why?
Lady MacCry. Good…because he will never see the light of day again!
Markbeth. Wait, what are…no! That’s insane!
Lady MacCry. Mark, you know very well what’s at stake here!
Markbeth. No! I’ll find another way!
Lady MacCry. Like what?
Lady MacCry. (puts arm around Mark’s shoulders) Mark, just think for a minute about what we- er, you could do if you were king. We’d never have to worry about anything again. You could play Happy Wheels all day and execute the monster from Vanish. You could outlaw bread!
Markbeth. I do hate bread…
Lady MacCry. Come on, Mark, it’s just this one thing. All of our problems will be gone.
Markbeth. I don’t know…
Lady MacCry. Do it, Mark…
Markbeth. I don’t know…
Lady MacCry. Do it, Mark.
Lady MacCry. Do it, Mark!
Lady MacCry. DO IT, MARK!
Markbeth. Okay, okay! I’ll do it!
Lady MacCry. Fantastic!
Scene VI. Markbeth’s castle, in a foyer
Enter Wadequo and Markbeth
Wadequo. Heeyy, Mark! Great Drunk Gaming we had tonight! You seemed a little off, though, is everything okay?
Markbeth. No, Wadequo…everything is not...okay.
Wadequo. Oh, I was just asking because, well, you barely even drank anything and spent most of the time muttering to yourself. Does this have anything to do with the prophecy? Or maybe that big ol’ knife you’re palming?
Markbeth. I AM NOT UP TO ANYTHING!
Wadequo. Woah, just take it easy man!
Markbeth. This is no time to quote Drake and Josh at me! (points with knife) LEAVE! Now!
Wadequo. Okay, okay!
Markbeth. Is this a dagger that I see before me? The handle toward my hand? Man, I’m tripping balls… But it’s not the alcohol, or anything physical. I’m losing my mind! Oh, but it looks so real. It’s like I could reach out and grab it just like the one I’m holding. Except now it’s covered in blood…the blood of an innocent person whose life has been taken by a hideous monster…by me… I shouldn’t talk to myself, the walls have ears in this place. (a grandfather clock tolls) Don’t listen to the clock, PewDuncanPie, for it is a knell…it summons thee to heaven…or to hell.
End of Act I